“So let me get this straight, even after you paid me a small fortune so that I could beat an aggravated assault charge and get you only a teeny little slap on the wrist…”
“It’s hardly a slap on the wrist…”
“I’m still talking Sebastian.”
“…”
“Even after getting a small slap on the wrist, you instead make a mockery of your therapist and then leave fifty five minutes early.”
“Um… well that makes it sound…”
“It makes it sound pretty fucking stupid is what it makes it sound like. Do you know how close you were to doing serious time? The prosecution was going to make an example out of you Sebastian. They wanted you to serve as a reminder that just because someone is rich and famous, they can't ignore the law.”
“Oh come on, the guy was an asshole anyway, I mean who really…”
“Serious time, Sebastian. But I was able to work it down to a deal that, I think, is pretty generous considering.”
“Generous?”
“Yes generous! You kicked the unholy hell out of one of your fans for exercising his right to freedom of speech, and got it all over every type of media there is! You are not hard done by here! You are actually getting off pretty god damn easy.”
“Okay fine, so what…?
“You keep writing in that little book, starting each new page with tear stains and a ‘Dear Diary,’ and you go back to that therapist, and you take him seriously. That is what you do.”
“We done now? I can’t believe I’m paying you for this…”
“Yes we’re done, and damn right you’re paying me, I’m the only thing between you and the biggest, meanest, horniest son of a bitch in the prison shower.”
“You're a really mean person you know that?”
"Of course I am, anyone else trying to defend your idiocy would be eaten alive. Now go home, I have work to do."
Dear Diary: Today my lawyer yelled at me.
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