Thursday, December 24, 2009

Stupid Rich, Stupid Famous V

The following was recorded by Doctor Curtis McGregor and reviewed by the District Court as per the conditions of the deal between the Prosecution and Defendant, Sebastian Jericho.

Sebastian Jericho Therapy Session #2: Present are Doctor McGregor and Sebastian Jericho.

“I’m glad you decided to come back Sebastian. I hope your holidays are going well.”

“Holidays? Oh right, Christmas and all that.”

“You mean you didn’t know? You haven’t heard the carols in the mall, seen the people shopping, or felt the Christmas spirit?”

“Do you know what would happen if I went into a mall? I would be swarmed to death by screaming teens.”

“Oh right, that whole fame thing.”

“You seem kind of different doc; less uptight.”

“Well I figured that our last session’s difficulties may have been just as much my fault as yours, so I decided to throw the book out the window, as it were, and just try talking to you.”

“Yeah well we’ll see how that goes I guess. Ok doc, ask what you wanna ask.”

“Why’d you stop writing music?”

“Wow you really go right for the kill don’t you?”

“Why beat around the bush?”

“I guess. Well I stopped writing because…wait what does this have to do with my court order? I thought I was here because I beat up some guy?”

“The two are very related I think. And you know it too; you’re just trying to avoid the question.”

“Still beating around the bush after all; nice attempt at a segue though. Ask me your real question.”

“Tell me about your late wife.”

“Alicia.”

“How did you two meet?”

“We met in high school, at a friend’s karaoke party. The two of us brought the house down. We were inseparable ever since.”

“Keep going.”

“We started dating, and after high school we got serious about music. We put a band together, and we got signed to a label almost instantly. It was nuts, and to tell you the truth, I never would have gotten through everything that was going on had she not been there.”

“So she was your rock; your pillar of support.

“Yeah…”

“What was she like?”

“She was really down to earth, very cool and collected all the time. She was the total opposite of me. She used to say that I was always looking so far forward while she was making sure I didn’t trip over what was right in front of me. But she was really driven. She had a goal in mind, and there was no stopping her. I really admired her for that, that quiet strength and determination.”

“Well Sebastian I can honestly say that I am pleasantly surprised. I thought I’d have to fight a lot harder for that information.”

“Me too, to be honest. Maybe it’s that Christmas spirit you were talking about.”

“Maybe. Next session I want to continue this discussion if you don’t mind. I think that there is a lot here that we can work with.”

“Yeah we’ll see. No promises.”

“Oh and Sebastian, put more effort into your journal. It’s meant to be an outlet for your thoughts and feelings so you don’t explode again. Not for critiquing episodes of Dexter, or writing down ‘Funny Stuff Michael Scott Said.’

“Hey there’s some good stuff there, it deserves to be remembered.”

“No, no it really doesn’t.”

“Aw you see doc, this is why we’ll never be friends.”

“See you next session, Sebastian.”

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Stupid Rich, Stupid Famous IV

Dear Diary:

No that doesn’t sound stupid at all. I feel like a whiny teenager.

Although I am kinda whiny, and my target demographic are teenagers; okay Sebastian, get your head in the game here.

I’m continuing this really dumb journal because if I don’t my lawyer promises I will go to jail whereupon I will be shower-raped.

Well he didn’t put it quite like that but…oh wait, yes he did.

But he didn't tell me what I should be writing about.

So here I am sitting in my hotel room, debating what the hell should be written in here.

I kinda wish I hadn't made so much fun of that therapist, I bet he would know what I’m supposed to be writing.

Ooh Dexter is on right now.

Gotta go Diary, Dexter needs me.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Stupid Rich, Stupid Famous III

“So let me get this straight, even after you paid me a small fortune so that I could beat an aggravated assault charge and get you only a teeny little slap on the wrist…”

“It’s hardly a slap on the wrist…”

“I’m still talking Sebastian.”

“…”

“Even after getting a small slap on the wrist, you instead make a mockery of your therapist and then leave fifty five minutes early.”

“Um… well that makes it sound…”

“It makes it sound pretty fucking stupid is what it makes it sound like. Do you know how close you were to doing serious time? The prosecution was going to make an example out of you Sebastian. They wanted you to serve as a reminder that just because someone is rich and famous, they can't ignore the law.”

“Oh come on, the guy was an asshole anyway, I mean who really…”

“Serious time, Sebastian. But I was able to work it down to a deal that, I think, is pretty generous considering.”

“Generous?”

“Yes generous! You kicked the unholy hell out of one of your fans for exercising his right to freedom of speech, and got it all over every type of media there is! You are not hard done by here! You are actually getting off pretty god damn easy.”

“Okay fine, so what…?

“You keep writing in that little book, starting each new page with tear stains and a ‘Dear Diary,’ and you go back to that therapist, and you take him seriously. That is what you do.”

“We done now? I can’t believe I’m paying you for this…”

“Yes we’re done, and damn right you’re paying me, I’m the only thing between you and the biggest, meanest, horniest son of a bitch in the prison shower.”

“You're a really mean person you know that?”

"Of course I am, anyone else trying to defend your idiocy would be eaten alive. Now go home, I have work to do."

Dear Diary: Today my lawyer yelled at me.