Its name was Mr. Shadow. Or at least, that's what he had always called it. Whether it had a true name or not wasn't really important to him. It was simply Mr. Shadow.
Mr. Shadow; whose claws dug into his shoulders, whose jaw rested atop his head and whose body billowed behind him like some kind of nightmarish cape. Mr. Shadow had always been there, small at first, but as he got older Mr, Shadow got bigger, putting more and more weight on his shoulders, its claws sinking deeper and its body growing ever more consuming, eclipsing more of the light from the outside world.
It was sunset when he left, locking the rough old door behind him and leaving the flickering porch light on, as he always did. His walk had taken him well into the night, the street lights and the sound of his footsteps invading the otherwise quiet solace. Every now and again he'd round a corner, cross a street, or otherwise alter his course but the truth was that he wasn't giving any thought to his direction or destination. He figured he'd simply enjoy the walk while he still could.
Because today had been a very bad day, at the end of a bad month, in the latest of a bad year.
And this time it wasn't Mr. Shadow's fault.
He'd become accustomed to being sick. That wasn't new to him. However it was only now, only today when the doctors began using words like metastasized, inoperable, and a host of others that his mind had tuned out, that he understood just how truly sick he was. The end of a terrible day, at the end of a terrible month, in the last terrible year of his life.
This is what you wanted. Mr. Shadow said, its voice dripping with an ichor that coated his insides black. The choice was taken away from you, now you don't need to find the courage anymore.
"Shut up," he spat. "This was never what I wanted don't be ridiculous."
Of course it was, Mr. Shadow sneered. Maybe not like this particularly, but you were always searching for a way out. Now you get an escape without any of the guilt of escaping.
"That's...that's not true. I never wanted to escape like that. Not like what you mean. I just wanted things to be better, that's all. I just didn't want to have to fight anymore."
No, no of course not. Except I've been here your whole life, long before you got sick. What about all the nights you laid awake with me, listening to me, talking to me. If I'm wrong, then why am I here in the first place? Why have I always been here?
"Because I'm sick, and because I'm tired. I'm always so tired."
Because you have no hope. And don't lie to me, I'll know, I always do.
"Why won't you just leave me alone?"
Mr. Shadow laughed, malice and apathy given sound. I can't leave. You know I can't. I can't because you've never done what's necessary.
"Stop saying that!" He snapped, his voice booming against the cold night sky. Startled by his own outburst, he put his head down and quickened his pace. "I keep telling you that's not what I want...not really."
No no, not really. All the thoughts of pills, or drugs, or a gun, or a razor, just thoughts right? All harmless.
"No... I could never do that... there are too many people that...."
And that is exactly the point I was trying to make. You've just been given the greatest gift you could have received. See the silver lining, like I do. You've just been given permission to die.
"...You...you're a monster..."
And you're in denial. Accept the powerlessness you've always longed for. Accept the gift that no one will curse your death as selfish, as a weapon meant to harm someone else, as incomprehensible or any other some such reason. Accept that fate has made the decision for you. You get to die like you've always wanted. But now you get to be surrounded by friends and family who never have to know the truth of your mind. Cancer gets to be the villain, not you. And ultimately, that's what has always stopped you.
Mr. Shadow gripped its claws deeper into his shoulders, its face the abject horror of a smile. He could feel the darkness of the creature growing ever larger, enveloping more and more of the area around him. He had never felt it like this before, the largest and most powerful Mr. Shadow had ever been and it knew it.
You and I, we get what we want. To be free. And all you have to do is accept. Accept, and when the time comes, all that will be required of you is to sleep.
"I...you're wrong I..." His voice was hollow, and he could feel Mr. Shadow's ichor now coming from his own mouth, choking any further attempt at protest.
Mr. Shadow's smile widened. Sleep. And when you do, I won't be there. You'll be alone at last, just like you've always wanted. I will be gone.
He was staring at his own front door now. He wasn't sure exactly how his path had brought him home, or for how long he had been back, but in this moment the beaten old door and flickering porch light had never looked so welcoming.
He stood silent for some time, staring at the light with Mr. Shadow's weight pressing ever stronger on his body, its wretched claws gripping tightly into his flesh, his bones.
"Maybe that...." he said softly as he placed his key in the lock. "Maybe that doesn't sound so bad, in the end."
He closed the door behind him. The light on the porch flickered once, twice, and went out.
